Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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