Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
