Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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