i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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