My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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