do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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