i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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