I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
