I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
