All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
