Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need to sanitize my soul.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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