turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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