I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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