i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
