I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
