remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
