things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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