somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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