my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
