I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
