The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize