This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Randomize
