the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
