the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
