I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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