My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
