please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
