Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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