That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
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i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
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I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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