before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
