Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
