The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
