He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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