ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
