I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
