On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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