At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.