im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
