I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
