Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
