after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
