so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
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i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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