What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
