Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
