I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
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They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
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It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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