Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
