well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
