He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
