life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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