Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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