Who wears a wallet chain?!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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