I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
