We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
