HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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