Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
