i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
